us

14+ of us in the system. they/them if in doubt of who's fronting. quiet for the most part. age 25. proudly pro-all-system-types. no anti-endogenic hatred or you'll be blocked.

about
system

let's play "do i not remember xyz because technology is being weird and rearranging things on me, or is it a headmate doing things and then not sharing the memory with the rest of us?"


therapy today helped us realize there's at least 5 more of us in here than we thought. not new splits though, probably

the numbers keep growing i guess


therainfallsystem -

had a fun and exciting realization that the one that was into mdzs wasn't me-emyr though at the time we Thought was me-emyr but last night i realized i didn't have the memories of the content of the story or the characters' names or anything so

we're at the point we can't tell who is who anymore unless we're one of the ones with really strong senses of self like khalia and it's just

havin a rough time


therainfallsystem -

other possiblity- me now isn't me-emyr and i still think i'm me-emyr

either way there's at least one of us that thinks we're emyr when we're not, or not exclusively, or not quite, or something.

ugh


had a fun and exciting realization that the one that was into mdzs wasn't me-emyr though at the time we Thought was me-emyr but last night i realized i didn't have the memories of the content of the story or the characters' names or anything so

we're at the point we can't tell who is who anymore unless we're one of the ones with really strong senses of self like khalia and it's just

havin a rough time


i'm tired of being fragile

able to be hurt by things that other people won't react to at all

triggers are dumb and annoying and i want mine to be gone


hhhhhhhhh

the server i joined for mdzs fic writers is. just barely too nsfw for me

but i'm so starved for community or like. Anyone To Talk To about it, someone that'll let me ramble out fic ideas and like

idk idk idk

i wish i was normal


therainfallsystem -

hff. i literally joined a server for talking about writing mdzs fanfic but they're like. boooooorrrrderline nsfw. dirty jokes and whatnot. to the point where i don't feel comfortable hanging out there as things are, but i ALSO don't feel comfortable going "hey you said keep the nsfw in the specific channels" and it's like. the eternal sex repulsed struggle

but that is basically backseat to the fact that i wanna ramble at someone enough to put my thoughts in order for the longfic i wanna write, and i feel annoying talking to friends about it and like. now it's the eternal "am i annoying for my interests" struggle


therainfallsystem -

hfffffffffff. i know that logically but. it feels wrong somehow to put things on waterfall as like. a public thing? still got a little bit of an urge to hide "spoilers" for the fic that doesn't exist yet yanno

and also posting on social media doesn't give That Immediate Feedback in quite the same way so like.

idk i'm just being picky and complaining i guess.

need me a beta reader type person that's gonna stay sfw and also keep up with my bouncy ping-pongy thouhts


hff. i literally joined a server for talking about writing mdzs fanfic but they're like. boooooorrrrderline nsfw. dirty jokes and whatnot. to the point where i don't feel comfortable hanging out there as things are, but i ALSO don't feel comfortable going "hey you said keep the nsfw in the specific channels" and it's like. the eternal sex repulsed struggle

but that is basically backseat to the fact that i wanna ramble at someone enough to put my thoughts in order for the longfic i wanna write, and i feel annoying talking to friends about it and like. now it's the eternal "am i annoying for my interests" struggle


therainfallsystem -

had a galaxy brain take in therapy monday

if have sensory badness for a thing..... don't have to make self do the thing

astonishing


therainfallsystem -

see that makes sense when you say it that way but i STILL have the silly silly harmful idea that i "have to be normal" in xyz ways so i keep doing things that are easy for other people but Bad For Me :tm:

sigh. i'll unlearn it, and keep unlearning it as long as i have to


had a galaxy brain take in therapy monday

if have sensory badness for a thing..... don't have to make self do the thing

astonishing


therainfallsystem -

want do thing

brain goes "okay"

.....

not doing thing.

brain, let's do thing.

"okay"

BUT NOT DOING THING


therainfallsystem -

thank you i'll try

ughhhhhh getting stuck like this so annoying


* vibrates intensely *

someone let me ramble to them about this fic idea thing bouncing around in my head for mdzs while also not caring as i spoil like 100% of the novel

but also like

i know i ramble Really Confusingly for anyone that doesn't live inside this head and mdzs has a really complicated plotline anyway and

and then there's the possibly triggery aspects, blood and gore and necromancy and whatnot and like

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

might. might join a discord server for this if i can find one that's careful enough about nsfw for me to Not Melt Drastically when encountered with it


my desire to talk about fic i want to write

the urge to not spoil things for people watching with me (i'm reading ahead)

the fear that i won't be able to commit to a schedule if i tell a stranger about fic plans

FIGHT


i'm finally falling into the mdzs fandom after ages of dancing around it and. for the first time in a long long time for our system, and particularly the host bloodline, i'm actually Writing Fic.

i haven't consumed all of canon yet, neither novel nor web series, but am about at the same point in both.

idk it's. things are going okay i think.


i'm finally falling into the mdzs fandom after ages of dancing around it and. for the first time in a long long time for our system, and particularly the host bloodline, i'm actually Writing Fic.

i haven't consumed all of canon yet, neither novel nor web series, but am about at the same point in both.

idk it's. things are going okay i think.


STRESS

but going back to being deeply deeply affected by mxtx and mdzs and wangxian

(they're so gay. they're so so so gay. ooh my gods are they gay.)


beefox asked:

hey just so know, bee support endo systems, and as is on your dni thought maybe want to know so can unfollow if want? are welcome to continue follow but want to be transparent so don't make uncomfy

idioticsilverware -

oh! thank you for letting me know! nothing against the endos personally, like as who they are (or people who support them!!) but I don't understand it. if anyone is willing to talk me through why they say they are what they are, then I'm all down for it.

at the moment though, it just makes me uncomfy based on what I know about them. its more based off if you want me to unfollow you, because that's one of the things that aren't a hard rule. no hard feelings if you do!!

seriously though, if you're down to talk about endos or if anyone else is, hit me up? i'd love to learn more but one of our alters is a hard no on the subject so we added it to our dni.


beefox -

oh sure! am not expert on topic but basically:

endos are systems not from trauma, which can make some uncomfortable cause maybe feel like that if can be system without trauma, then trauma not valid.

there not lots difference, they just systems like any other, often different difficulty but in end, brains are weird and science only really look at traumagenic, cause traumagenic most often need help so end up in medical system more. slowly research being done on endo, but still not lots. but they are people and systems like any other, and while lots of roumors about how they bad for trumagenic, but in bee experience they just that, roumors. every endo system bee ever meet (and bee meet prolly at least hundred) have been very respectful about traumagenic experience and stuff

feel free ask any questions have! am try answer, or ask friends who can!


idioticsilverware -

(response under cut bc this post is long)


i did a little research and it all told me the same thing: endos are faking. I'll do more research, from other resources, but I still don't understand how endos could even come to exist if there wasn't the initial split from early childhood. and how they could come to exist with the same disorder, like wouldn't it be another disorder if it wasn't from trauma? or at least a subtype, of sorts. and, how is being endogenic different from just having tulpas, at least subconsciously?


therainfallsystem -

hi okay we're a quoigenic system that might as well be called endogenic because we don't remember childhood trauma, but we're a system.

have you. have you ever Talked to an endogenic system? if they/we are faking, wouldn't we know it? we are different from thoughtform ( "tulpa" though that word is a bit appropriative-y) systems in that we didn't decide to exist the way we exist. there is no one headmate out of any of us that went "hey so i want to have other headmates in here," there was no effort to create anyone else. we all just exist, separate people in the same head.

at least for ourselves, we call ourselves a system *because* of the fact that we exist as multiple folk in one body. that's it. we're not claiming did or osdd, though we've been officially diagnosed with the latter. we don't have to work through the grievous childhood trauma that traumagenic systems do. we aren't trauma survivors (in that way, but that's another topic). we don't want to "invade" traumagenic systems spaces or "steal their resources" or whatever you might have heard- we just want to exist and talk to other folk that are like us.

i guess part of it is like. we don't consider our system to be inherently part of a "disorder" in that it's a mental illness to be "managed" or "cured," rather than just. a fact of life. this is who we are. we're in therapy anyway, and our therapist caught us hiding and was like "hey did you know you have Really Inconsistent ways of referring to yourself" and slowly the fact that we were a system came out to her and like. we work to build better communication past bad-memory barriers and brainfog. we deal with fronting in a body that doesn't fit various headmates' way of perceiving themselves. we manage the emotional bleedthrough when a headmate has severe emotional distress and another headmate has to front to keep us functioning.

we're a system.

please don't say we're faking, like you know better than us our own life experiences. thats really really really upsetting.

i'm not sure i'll be able to respond to any further replies to this because i'm kind of graying out right now so if you're still in the "all endos are faking" camp let us know so we can block you please


idioticsilverware -

that makes lots more sense now, thank you! I think having it explained to me helped a lot. There wasn't any other resource I could find that explained HOW endogenic systems formed without trauma, and i guess i still don't really understand that, but you helped a lot. i just wanted to hear from someone who's actually endogenic how exactly it worked, i suppose?


therainfallsystem -

we call ourselves quoigenic because we have no heckin clue why/how we exist.

our memory is absolutely terrible, and we don't remember much, but our parents say that we often used the "royal we" when growing up and our parents would call us out on it and we'd geet flustered because was an accident. we started keeping a journal in 2012, and we have conversations between "the one writing the journal" and. what in hindsight is obviously an angry persecutor-style headmate, but at the time we just thought was like. talking to ourself? but liek the fact that we frame it as "ourself" is kind of plural in its own way but like

brains are a mystery. i have no clue how we formed or the science behind it or anything. i just know that we exist.


beefox asked:

hey just so know, bee support endo systems, and as is on your dni thought maybe want to know so can unfollow if want? are welcome to continue follow but want to be transparent so don't make uncomfy

idioticsilverware -

oh! thank you for letting me know! nothing against the endos personally, like as who they are (or people who support them!!) but I don't understand it. if anyone is willing to talk me through why they say they are what they are, then I'm all down for it.

at the moment though, it just makes me uncomfy based on what I know about them. its more based off if you want me to unfollow you, because that's one of the things that aren't a hard rule. no hard feelings if you do!!

seriously though, if you're down to talk about endos or if anyone else is, hit me up? i'd love to learn more but one of our alters is a hard no on the subject so we added it to our dni.


beefox -

oh sure! am not expert on topic but basically:

endos are systems not from trauma, which can make some uncomfortable cause maybe feel like that if can be system without trauma, then trauma not valid.

there not lots difference, they just systems like any other, often different difficulty but in end, brains are weird and science only really look at traumagenic, cause traumagenic most often need help so end up in medical system more. slowly research being done on endo, but still not lots. but they are people and systems like any other, and while lots of roumors about how they bad for trumagenic, but in bee experience they just that, roumors. every endo system bee ever meet (and bee meet prolly at least hundred) have been very respectful about traumagenic experience and stuff

feel free ask any questions have! am try answer, or ask friends who can!


idioticsilverware -

(response under cut bc this post is long)


i did a little research and it all told me the same thing: endos are faking. I'll do more research, from other resources, but I still don't understand how endos could even come to exist if there wasn't the initial split from early childhood. and how they could come to exist with the same disorder, like wouldn't it be another disorder if it wasn't from trauma? or at least a subtype, of sorts. and, how is being endogenic different from just having tulpas, at least subconsciously?


therainfallsystem -

hi okay we're a quoigenic system that might as well be called endogenic because we don't remember childhood trauma, but we're a system.

have you. have you ever Talked to an endogenic system? if they/we are faking, wouldn't we know it? we are different from thoughtform ( "tulpa" though that word is a bit appropriative-y) systems in that we didn't decide to exist the way we exist. there is no one headmate out of any of us that went "hey so i want to have other headmates in here," there was no effort to create anyone else. we all just exist, separate people in the same head.

at least for ourselves, we call ourselves a system *because* of the fact that we exist as multiple folk in one body. that's it. we're not claiming did or osdd, though we've been officially diagnosed with the latter. we don't have to work through the grievous childhood trauma that traumagenic systems do. we aren't trauma survivors (in that way, but that's another topic). we don't want to "invade" traumagenic systems spaces or "steal their resources" or whatever you might have heard- we just want to exist and talk to other folk that are like us.

i guess part of it is like. we don't consider our system to be inherently part of a "disorder" in that it's a mental illness to be "managed" or "cured," rather than just. a fact of life. this is who we are. we're in therapy anyway, and our therapist caught us hiding and was like "hey did you know you have Really Inconsistent ways of referring to yourself" and slowly the fact that we were a system came out to her and like. we work to build better communication past bad-memory barriers and brainfog. we deal with fronting in a body that doesn't fit various headmates' way of perceiving themselves. we manage the emotional bleedthrough when a headmate has severe emotional distress and another headmate has to front to keep us functioning.

we're a system.

please don't say we're faking, like you know better than us our own life experiences. thats really really really upsetting.

i'm not sure i'll be able to respond to any further replies to this because i'm kind of graying out right now so if you're still in the "all endos are faking" camp let us know so we can block you please


I FUCKING HATE FRONTING I NEVER FUCKING KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF

ALL I CAN DO IS PULL UP MY PLAYLISTS OR MY BANDS OR SOME SHIT AND THEN JUST SIT THERE AND WAIT THIS SHIT OUT UNTIL EMYR PUTS THEMSELF BACK TOGETHER AGAIN

NONE OF US ARE BUILT FOR THE OUTSIDE, BUT AT LEAST EMYR'S USED TO IT

MORE THAN I CAN FUCKING SAY


K: EMYR STRESSED THEMSELF THE FUCK OUT EARLIER AND THINGS KEEP FUCKING GETTING WORSE AND NOW THEY'RE GONE FOR THE FUCKIN MOMENT?

SO IT'S ME. TA DA.

WE'LL SEE HOW LONG IT LASTS.


so therapy homework this week is check in with khalia, our most protector-y systemmate, and see if she has any advice over what to do with the latest bout of tremendous sads.

the thing is, i haven't heard from her all week.

what do.


had therapy today therefore had to stop pretending everything was fine therefore cried a lot therefore today sucks a lot therefore am sad.

exhausting.


Black-backed jackal
Canis mesomelas

C Martin Mecnarowski, GNU 1.2 & CC 3.0


  • weareallstardust commented:
    That's an amazing idea! Trigender and polygender both exist, as does multigender (we have someone in our system who identifies that way) and probably other words we can't think of right now.

heck yesssss varied gender identity makes me so happy to think about. these are My People you know? it's just such a good feeling hearing about / talking to people living their best lives and embracing their gender(s) and just. it's so good. what a good feeling.

thank you for confirming my tentative word choice and also for the nice words and just. good. what a good mood right now


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